i don't know what to title this one
i've had a rough time lately and not entirely because of my own anxiety this time
i am in this specific friend group online for a fandom and those are always tenuous, but i thought things were more solid than they actually have been! and (maybe selfishly) that all i've tried to do to help keep things patched up has only cost me my own sanity and that nobody else is taking this as seriously as myself or that it means less
and i've told myself that's not the right attitude to take for this and that i'm framing myself as the victim when i'm not — and i even convince myself of that and can move forward from it and then something happens that confirms it and i feel like i'm letting myself take all of the blame or weight of things not working out and it's just because who else will?
i struggle with making and keeping friends and sometimes that's my fault and sometimes it isn't and it hits hard when things just happen
i'm about to just distance myself from everyone for a year again, it was way less painful than this